A Big Girl’s Fairytale…

Once upon a time there was a girl who, after the most difficult and tragic year of her life, gathered up as much courage as she could and went on vacation alone…

While sitting on the beach and speaking in Spanish to one of her dear friends who lived in the Dominican and worked on the beach, she overheard two girls sitting behind her, two absolutely beautiful, skinny, model-esque girls, talking about her… They were saying things like, “I wouldn’t even leave the house if I had a body like hers let alone go out in a bathing suit in public” and “how on earth someone could let themselves go like that is beyond me.” Some more comments, more harsh and thoughtless comments, followed…

The only thing this girl could hope for is that these two models thought the girl didn’t speak English and that’s why they were being so loud, and heartless with their words… This girls friend saw the change of expression on her face and he asked what was wrong, as strong as she tried to be, a tear rolled down her cheek and she looked at him and in Spanish, said “nothing my friend, I just missed you so much and am glad to see your sweet face” He then hugged her, told her to stop crying and enjoy her vacation…

As her friend walked away, she stared at the ocean, quietly sobbed for a few minutes, and begged God to release the anger and sadness in her heart… By some miracle, God did just that… right in front of her beach chair she saw a teeny tiny crab doing a little crab dance, side to side, as if he was performing just for her… She wiped her tears, and smiled, and the smile grew to a laugh and the laughter grew to release… She no longer felt sad and angry, AND she felt forgiveness, she forgave the models for their hateful words and she forgave herself, for allowing their words to hurt her so deeply…she felt connected to the universe and all of its wondrous, mystical and magical, beauty… When the crab finally disappeared under the sand she lay back on her beach chair and began to enjoy the feeling of the warmth from the sun on her BEAUTIFUL body, she put on her iPod and she found peace…

An hour later this girl was hungry so she got up to go to the beach front restaurant for her daily hotdog and as she passed by the two models, she looked at them right in the eyes and with a big genuine smile she said “I hope you beautiful girls enjoy your vacation!!” The shock on their faces proved her earlier suspicions that they didn’t think she spoke English… and then there was a look of fear… to which she replied “The Dominican is a magical place girls, I hope you discover it and appreciate it!”

The girl went to the restaurant and enjoyed her hotdog, and the rest of her vacation… And that night, at the buffet, they were serving crab legs; in honour of her earlier gift from God, she chose not to eat them! And she, so far, is living happily ever after…

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I’m sexy and I know it… well, sort of…

This post is inspired by Kevin Smith’s brave and beautiful blog entitled ‘I haven’t taken my shirt off since I was nine’

I’ve been where Kevin Smith has been, or should I say I am where he is… I know the embarrassment of being ‘fat’, being made fun of, being mocked, of the hateful and hurtful names… The fear of being naked in front of someone, wishing he would just turn out that damn light and close those damn curtains… the feeling of not being able to look at myself in the mirror without hating everything I see…

While I am losing weight, and doing really well, I am, for all intents and purposes, still fat, still perceived as fat, and the 42lbs I have lost in the past 14 months, some days, they just don’t matter, because, I am still fat… When I feel that way, I cry, I get angry, I want to eat myself into a coma… but I don’t… What I do do (teehee do do) is I put on a pair of pants from last year, stand in front of the mirror and watch them fall off of my body, schwoop… that’s the sound I make while I watch them fall off… Last year’s pants are too big, they aren’t who I am anymore…

In Kevin’s blog he mentions ‘chubby chasers’, they do exist… As a fat girl, one of my favourite lines was from a young man in Jamaica, who looked at me on the beach hiding underneath a tank top, next to my perfectly skinny friend in a bikini and said “Baby girl, bones are for dogs, meat is for men”… I loved this, I loved it so much I wanted to move to Jamaica, or the Dominican, where my body type is not only accepted, but revered and thought of as sexy! Me and my curves are what stirs a man down south (double entendre fully intended lol) … up here, in the ‘Great White North’ I am nothing more than an ugly fat girl…

Ugly fat girl, this is how I have thought of myself for my entire life… Until now, and it’s not simply because of the weight loss, I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a big part of it… but it’s because, I made my mind up to see beauty… in everything, everywhere and everyone… I am trying to let go of the anger, and find beauty. And if this goal is even remotely attainable I must start with me. I must look at myself and see beauty… I must love my fat as a part of who I am, right now, and also love the pounds I am shedding, for they served their purpose and can now move on. 

So, today, after reading Kevin Smith’s post, I went to the mirror, stripped down to nothing but a smile and my nose ring and took a really good look at myself… Here’s what I found:

 

  1. I have really nice hair, it’s long, shiny and the red glows! I love my hair!
  2. Wow, I have gorgeous eyes! They are huge and brown and so expressive… My soul dwells in my eyes.
  3. My smile, it’s goofy, and cute! Above all, it’s genuine, and for the most part, constant
  4. My boobs, they’re real and they’re spectacular heehee, and I love them!
  5. My legs, well, I have always loved my legs, I have great legs, amazing legs, muscled, shapely, damned fine gams!
  6. My tattoos, I freaking LOVE my tattoos!
  7. Ahhh you noticed, I skipped over the whole mid-section of my body… well, standing there, in all my glory, looking at myself in the mirror, I did too. I had to force myself to look, to really look at the dreaded mid-section… what did I see? Well, yes, I saw the fat belly, but for the first time in potentially my entire life, I saw a waist line! I saw definition from my waist to my hips to my torso! WTH? When did that happen? I can’t sit here and tell you I saw beauty, because after 30 years of hating myself, I think it’s going to take a little while longer to love me and find the beauty… but at least this time I found something positive…
  8. One thing I discovered while standing there, tears flowing from my eyes down my naked body, I like who I am… I LIKE MY’SELF’!!!I am a kind person, I am fun to be around, I am empathetic and compassionate, I am crazy and wild, I am deep and spiritual, I am funny as hell, I am a good daughter, a good sister, a good auntie, a good friend and a great mom to Travis the Kitty… I repeat… I LIKE MY’SELF’… Wow, dudes, this is HUGE! I, Lalita Patel, like who I am! It’s been a long time since I was able to say that… but here I am fffffffffffffforty years old, and with all the certainty I can muster say I LIKE MY’SELF’…

 With this monumental realisation of liking me… I am going to continue on my life changing, body changing path, but with a different motivation, having my – body and my ‘self’- unite, become one, and love me for me, fat belly and all… and when I finally lose that fat belly, I’ll be grateful to it for understanding its role in the play of Lalita has come to an end.

So, my promise to my body and my’self’ is to stop acting as though I am destined to spend my life in last year’s pants…

Peace & Love