When the Devil Dies the Demons Linger on…

butterfly let go

A few days ago my mom sent me a message saying “he passed away”… Since I read that sentence I’ve been in a physically fully functioning emotional coma… I’m going through the motions of life… Working, socialising, going through the daily requirements… but inside..? Inside I’m frozen… I’m dead… I just don’t know how to react…

You see… “he” is the devil who stole my childhood… who, for 6 years, from 3 – 9 years of age, abused me, terrorized me, and threatened my family if I were to say anything… So, I never did… My wings were clipped and I just carried the weight of guilt and shame with me well into my 30s…

Burdon

Until I read that sentence “he passed away” I honestly thought I had dealt with it, I thought I had moved on, I truly thought I had healed… And now, here I sit… feeling like I am a little kid again… lost and scared… Add on angry and full of regret…

On some level I wish I had confronted him, my demon, yelled at him for taking away my innocence… for filling me with shame filled self loathing, which in turn led me to 15ish years of self destruction… drugs, promiscuity, suicide attempts… and yet, what good would that do? He wouldn’t have cared… if he apologised… would that make me feel better? Would it, in fact, heal me, give me closure? Probably not, his smirk, his arrogance, it most likely would have killed me…

So, I guess I have a lot more work to do than I had thought… a lot more healing, a lot more coping… I need to find a way to allow forgiveness into my heart… a way to forgive myself and to forgive him… I can’t keep dragging this boulder of hatred around with me… I am better than that… better, stronger, smarter, more beautiful… I just need to allow my wings to be set free…

 

free butterfly

L♥VE WARRIORS!

Recently one of my very best friends in the world did something she vowed 14 years ago (and kept vowing for 14 years) she would never do… She got a tattoo! Now, to those of you who don’t know Tracey, a.k.a. my Bestest, this may not seem like such a big deal, but to those of you who do know her you know she mustered up every bit of bravery, every ounce of courage and every drop of strength she could to overcome such a huge fear, to stand in the face of her proverbial enemy and with dogged determination say “DAMMIT INK ME!”

‘Now’, you ask, ‘why did she do it? What’s the point of her facing that fear, which in all essence could have been easily avoided with no consequences?’ She did it for L♥VE, the purest of all L♥VES, a Mother’s L♥VE… She got her daughter’s name tattooed on her leg to immortalize the loving, kind and fun relationship she has with her beautiful daughter Kayleigh.

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” John Lennon

This got me thinking, if my bestest can face one of her biggest fears in the name of L♥VE, is there nothing we, as a world-community, can’t achieve with L♥VE?

It takes just one person to make a difference, to stand up for what’s right, to give a voice to the voiceless and give hope to those in need. It’s up to us, the L♥VE WARRIORS to make the right choices, to be scared to death and act anyway, all in the name of L♥VE!

“In the absence of love, we began slowly but surely to fall apart.” Marianne Williamson

I’ve done some really stupid things in the name of L♥VE and I don’t regret a single one. Sure, I’ve been hurt, physically, emotionally; my body has been injured and my heart has been broken, but in the end I know I did the right thing and wouldn’t change it for anything.

There are so many appalling things happening in the world today that I find myself weeping tears of utter saddness, horror, empathy, compassion and yes, fear. But I can no longer stand by and watch it happen. I am going to scream my thoughts, my views, my feelings and emotions from the roof tops, I am going to fight to right things that are wrong, and make a difference!

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

It’s time for a call to arms my fellow L♥VE WARRIORS… it’s time to change the world, and we, as a small group, can do it!

“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” Frank Herbert

 

Aside

Lalita version 2.0

My first blog… I signed up for this account about a month ago but it took me a while to figure out what to write… Then today I had an incredibly eye-opening morning and felt the need to express it in more characters than the Facebook 420…

But I’ll start with my Facebook status from this morning and go from there…

It’s not even noon, I am still in my jammies on the sofa and today, Thursday February 24, 2011, has been a life changing day… a day full of learning hard, painful, but needed lessons, a day full of love from thousands of miles away, a day I will forever hold in my heart… it’s a defining day, it’s a miraculous day… a day that has eternally changed who I am, and who I want to be…

Two days ago I posted this quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer “Choose to align yourself with people who are like-minded in their search for simplified inspiration. Give those who find fault or who are confrontational a silent blessing and remove yourself from their energy as quickly as possible. Your life is simplified enormously when you don’t have to defend yourself to anyone, and when you receive support rather than criticism.”

Then my sweet Russian Irina reposted it, I mentioned I had read and reread the quote and am in need of cleaning house in my relationships… to which she replied

“You are too loving, Lalita. Just let them go. It’s quality of friends that matters, not quantity. That’s one of the reasons why I only have a handful of friends across all the continents. My time is too precisions and I chose to spend it only with the kindest and most loving people. I even changed jobs because I didn’t want to be around people who didn’t make me feel good. You are so wonderfully amazing, Lalita. You deserve to be around only the most beautiful souls who make you feel that you are the best thing that ever happened to us :-)”

Wow… well that made me cry and cry and cry some more… but it also made me think about how I’ve spent my life… I am not complaining mind you, I am just making a statement of fact… I have spent the majority of my time listening to others, being there for others, taking on their problems as if they were my own. I do always and forever want to be available to my friends, be an ear, a shoulder, a safe place for them to go to… I can no longer take these problems to heart… I don’t mean I want to stop caring, I couldn’t possibly stop caring about the people I love… it does mean I need to detach myself from their problems… I immerse myself in them, think about them at nights, worry, stress etc. BUT DAMMIT I have my own problems… those are the ones on which I need to focus…

I have spent way too many years inside the lives of others, all the while ignoring my own issues… and lemme tell people I gots issues! (According to one very dear friend who has heard my life story in its entirety… “You should sell your life story to Hollywood and just watch the money roll in” LOL, perhaps one day I will).

Finally, this morning, someone posted this video on Facebook, http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/video/video.php?v=186403811399813&comments

It moved me so deeply, that I wept for what seemed like hours… This man, who most of the world would write off as disabled with little potential for any thing other than mediocrity, created…. created beauty & joy… he made his life worth living, he found a passion, he followed it, he made believers out of skeptics, he made the impossible… possible.

He, without even knowing it, has forever changed me… From this moment onwards I will put everything I have into living a great life… I will stop hoping, and wishing and start asking and demanding… I will try to have unwavering faith in the Almighty that I am where I am for a reason and will fulfill that reason with all that I am…