Hey…. So, ummmmm ya, I kinda, sorta, don’t wanna die…..

For the last 5 years I honestly didn’t care if I lived or died… To say I was suicidal may be an overstatement, but I truly didn’t feel any obligation to inhabit this body and exist in this world… I had allowed myself to wither away in my marriage, no blame on my ex-husband, it was my choice to change who I was to try and make things work…. it took me years to laugh, genuinely, laugh again… in October of 2012, my heart and soul, Travis the Kitty, passed away and I again, died inside… nothing mattered, the pain was so overwhelming I couldn’t get out of bed most days, I stopped taking care of myself in any way shape or form, I ate like crap, I gained so much weight… I smoked twice as much and  I cried, I ached, I longed for her, to hear her mews and her purrs… If I had to work, I put on a brave face and did my job, and then crawled back into my hole of depression…. I gave up…

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In 2006 I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, while I regularly take my meds, I still ate copious amounts of sugar and was living in denial…  I could feel it in my body, I knew it was eating away at me, and I didn’t care…

 

In March of 2014 I began losing weight, I was working 6-7 days a week and becoming more active… I was eating less, but still mostly junk food…. the pounds were dropping, but I was still not healthy and still not happy… (I’ve lost over 60lbs since then)

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Nothing special happened in August of 2014, no monumental occurrence that woke me up and made me care… Nothing dramatic or life altering occurred…. but for some reason I decided…. Hey…. So, ummmmm ya, I kinda, sorta, don’t wanna die…..  It took me another 3 months to bring this desire to fruition… but as of yesterday, Sunday November 2nd, I have made some big changes…. yes a whopping 24 hours ago…. I’m going to eat right, I’m going to the doctors and ask for help, I’m taking my life, my health, my heart, my soul seriously…. Because my friends, I kinda, sorta, don’t wanna die…..

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I also need your help, your support and your prayers…. I am the kind of person who doesn’t normally ask for help, I don’t want to burden the people I love….. but I realised I can’t do this alone, I am scared, and I need you…. If you spend time with me in person encourage me to eat properly, if you spend time with me digitally (facebook, texting, over the phone), encourage me to keep going, to not give up…. and if I slip and fall, I beg of you not to leave me there, but please help me up… I’m scared…. I can’t do this alone…. and I need you….. I kinda, sorta, don’t wanna die…..

 

I’ve been in an exceptionally dark place for years now…. I’m ready to leave it…. I’m ready to face the world and all of its challenges head on, because I kinda, sorta, don’t wanna die….. I kinda, sorta really wanna live…

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