What is love?

I wrote this a few years back…

A friend and I had a discussion about love, and I was asked what it meant to me, I couldn’t quite sum it up at that point. I asked the people in my life, both close and acquaintances what it meant to them… apart from one person saying “@#*$ like a wild animal!!” (which was one of my favourite responses), their answers were short, but some really hit home, I took them into my heart, and below is what love, in some small measure, means to me… 

Love is kindness, gentility, thoughtfulness, an ear and a shoulder, it’s in a child’s smile, it’s a mother’s touch, it’s a friend’s hug, and a lover’s embrace. It is opening your heart to someone, allowing them in, no matter how many times you have been hurt, love is trust.

When I say I love you, I don’t say it lightly, it comes from the very depth of my core, it is who I am, it fills me with such passion and desire that it sometimes moves me to tears, and God willing, it is in every action I take…

Love is humour, laughter, faith, friendship, communication, honesty.

When I say I love a “thing” I really do… I love cheesecake, I love the ocean, I love a multicoloured sunrise…

Love is sitting in silence and still so much being said, love is looking across the room, seeing a smile and being filled with joy, it’s the purr and meow from the light of my life.

Love is in the simplest things, like smiling at someone on the street, or holding a door open, and not expecting a “thank you”.

The power of the word love is a wonderful thing, but the power of the action of love can change the world. Mother Teresa once said, “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” The first time I read this quote it left a profound impact on me, and I feel it changed me… I read it and re-read it, and try to remember it, especially in the most stressful or anger-filled times of my life and somehow it reminds me the real reason for us to exist on this planet is to love, to love with everything we are, stand in the face of fear, anger, negativity and just love. To make the choice, in each and every moment, to love, to be kind, to do whatever it takes to take the right path.

What is love to me? Love is everything…

love 2

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Breaking down walls…

I wasn’t planning on sharing this story, but the more time that passes, the more I am coming to terms with what happened to me and need to share…

One of my closest friends in this world has been in the hospital for the last two weeks and we are currently unsure when they will be coming home…I have been spending all day, every day, at the hospital, by their side when I can, or in the visitor lounge when I can’t… The hospital is a sad and scary place, surrounded by such overwhelming emotions I have a need to find balance, to keep connected to my soft side, I am finding myself hardening up, building walls to combat these energies… and I don’t like how that feels…  

So, I’ve made a point to help people wherever I can, when I am in the lounge I make conversations with the patients, especially those who are alone… If I see someone lost, I try to help them find their way (literally lol), if I see someone crying, which is a daily occurrence, I reach out to them, even if it’s to hold their hand… I speak to each nurse with respect and gratitude, for they are truly angels, their gentle & compassionate care for my friend is truly amazing….. They’ve become like family to me and I’ll never forget them… I thank the doctors, the miracle workers… I hang out with the orderlies and joke with them, flirt with some of them lol… I’m well known at Tim Horton’s, they know my coffee order, and relish in my joy of the pumpkin spiced muffin!…

Last Thursday there was an elderly man in the elevator bank on my friends floor, he looked lost, so I asked him if I could help him… He asked where Tim Horton’s was, I told him I am heading that way and to follow me… When we got to the main floor he asked if I could take him back up to the floor so he could go back to his wife… I said no problem; I’ll be back in 5 minutes… When I met him again, and we entered the elevator, he became sexually inappropriate with me, to the point I was terrified and had to physically push him off of me and escaped quickly when I left the elevator. I filed appropriate reports with the powers that be, I’ll just leave it at that…

This man, along with all the other men in my life who have taken from me which is only mine to give, feeling awful and gross, and dirty… I showered 4 times in 8 hours, and could have showered dozen more…  He also, and quite possibly, worse, left me feeling angry, furious, enraged, and beaten down… On my drive home I was screaming incoherently at the top of my lungs, I woke up every few minutes crying, sobbing, shaking… A week later, I am still not sleeping well…

For a few days after this happened I made the conscious choice to stop helping people, to shut up, not talk to anyone, to give up on humanity, to only focus on those in my immediate circle and shut the rest of the world out… This man took away the part of me that makes me me… he robbed me of my freedom, he took away my strength and replaced it with fear and total disappointment… I did this for 3 days, I walked with my head down, eyes on the ground, fists clenched and just took care of my friend… As each of these three days passed, I felt worse and worse, I felt physically ill, I was crying each time I was alone, I found myself lost, and scared, and I wasn’t me… But I wasn’t able to stop, I had built up a wall and refused to break it down, while I wasn’t happy, I was safe… I was suffocating in my safety, but I wasn’t afraid…

Then on day 4 as I was walking into the hospital there was an old man trying to climb the stairs and carry his walker up, dozens of people walked by him as if he didn’t exist, and I couldn’t handle it… I busted through my wall of anger and hatred and touched his arm, asked if I could help him carry it up while he used both hands on the railing… He barely spoke English, but thanked me profusely, and I made sure he got inside and knew where he was going… In that moment, as he took my hand in his and thanked me, in a NOT gross way, I started breathing again, feeling again, and slowly, brick by brick, I’m breaking down the wall…

ॐ Peace ॐ