I’m sexy and I know it… well, sort of…

This post is inspired by Kevin Smith’s brave and beautiful blog entitled ‘I haven’t taken my shirt off since I was nine’

I’ve been where Kevin Smith has been, or should I say I am where he is… I know the embarrassment of being ‘fat’, being made fun of, being mocked, of the hateful and hurtful names… The fear of being naked in front of someone, wishing he would just turn out that damn light and close those damn curtains… the feeling of not being able to look at myself in the mirror without hating everything I see…

While I am losing weight, and doing really well, I am, for all intents and purposes, still fat, still perceived as fat, and the 42lbs I have lost in the past 14 months, some days, they just don’t matter, because, I am still fat… When I feel that way, I cry, I get angry, I want to eat myself into a coma… but I don’t… What I do do (teehee do do) is I put on a pair of pants from last year, stand in front of the mirror and watch them fall off of my body, schwoop… that’s the sound I make while I watch them fall off… Last year’s pants are too big, they aren’t who I am anymore…

In Kevin’s blog he mentions ‘chubby chasers’, they do exist… As a fat girl, one of my favourite lines was from a young man in Jamaica, who looked at me on the beach hiding underneath a tank top, next to my perfectly skinny friend in a bikini and said “Baby girl, bones are for dogs, meat is for men”… I loved this, I loved it so much I wanted to move to Jamaica, or the Dominican, where my body type is not only accepted, but revered and thought of as sexy! Me and my curves are what stirs a man down south (double entendre fully intended lol) … up here, in the ‘Great White North’ I am nothing more than an ugly fat girl…

Ugly fat girl, this is how I have thought of myself for my entire life… Until now, and it’s not simply because of the weight loss, I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a big part of it… but it’s because, I made my mind up to see beauty… in everything, everywhere and everyone… I am trying to let go of the anger, and find beauty. And if this goal is even remotely attainable I must start with me. I must look at myself and see beauty… I must love my fat as a part of who I am, right now, and also love the pounds I am shedding, for they served their purpose and can now move on. 

So, today, after reading Kevin Smith’s post, I went to the mirror, stripped down to nothing but a smile and my nose ring and took a really good look at myself… Here’s what I found:

 

  1. I have really nice hair, it’s long, shiny and the red glows! I love my hair!
  2. Wow, I have gorgeous eyes! They are huge and brown and so expressive… My soul dwells in my eyes.
  3. My smile, it’s goofy, and cute! Above all, it’s genuine, and for the most part, constant
  4. My boobs, they’re real and they’re spectacular heehee, and I love them!
  5. My legs, well, I have always loved my legs, I have great legs, amazing legs, muscled, shapely, damned fine gams!
  6. My tattoos, I freaking LOVE my tattoos!
  7. Ahhh you noticed, I skipped over the whole mid-section of my body… well, standing there, in all my glory, looking at myself in the mirror, I did too. I had to force myself to look, to really look at the dreaded mid-section… what did I see? Well, yes, I saw the fat belly, but for the first time in potentially my entire life, I saw a waist line! I saw definition from my waist to my hips to my torso! WTH? When did that happen? I can’t sit here and tell you I saw beauty, because after 30 years of hating myself, I think it’s going to take a little while longer to love me and find the beauty… but at least this time I found something positive…
  8. One thing I discovered while standing there, tears flowing from my eyes down my naked body, I like who I am… I LIKE MY’SELF’!!!I am a kind person, I am fun to be around, I am empathetic and compassionate, I am crazy and wild, I am deep and spiritual, I am funny as hell, I am a good daughter, a good sister, a good auntie, a good friend and a great mom to Travis the Kitty… I repeat… I LIKE MY’SELF’… Wow, dudes, this is HUGE! I, Lalita Patel, like who I am! It’s been a long time since I was able to say that… but here I am fffffffffffffforty years old, and with all the certainty I can muster say I LIKE MY’SELF’…

 With this monumental realisation of liking me… I am going to continue on my life changing, body changing path, but with a different motivation, having my – body and my ‘self’- unite, become one, and love me for me, fat belly and all… and when I finally lose that fat belly, I’ll be grateful to it for understanding its role in the play of Lalita has come to an end.

So, my promise to my body and my’self’ is to stop acting as though I am destined to spend my life in last year’s pants…

Peace & Love

 

 

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7 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. nostarvingartist
    Mar 31, 2012 @ 13:48:50

    Another great piece of writing!!!!

    Reply

  2. Shivani Patel
    Mar 31, 2012 @ 16:44:56

    It makes no difference what anyone else thinks or feels or sees in you, it only matters what you think, feel or see about you that matters. This is the most beautifully written piece of work and most heart touching and tears flowing, and honest.
    I know that when one doesn’t feel pretty or smart or acceptable in anyway, all they want to do is disappear. I felt that way most of my life as well. But just like you I am beginning to realize that there is so much more to me than what society expects and sees.
    I also really, really know that God does not make mistakes. So we are who we are for a reason we do not know. But I know one thing and that is that we are necessary in this world and are needed for a good reason.
    I am so happy to hear that you LIKE yourself. Because my beautiful friend you are an amazing being and it is about time that you started to see that about yourself.
    It matters not what anyone says, it only matters how you feel. Be grateful about all the amazing, incredible, kind, gentle, crazy, and loving qualities you have been given.

    Reply

  3. Michelle
    Mar 31, 2012 @ 23:55:39

    You are beautiful Lalita! That was an awesome and inspiring message. Thank you!

    Reply

  4. Tracey Nelson
    Apr 02, 2012 @ 09:31:31

    You are amazing and always have been. I am so proud of you. I am so happy for you. And yes you are “burn the kitchen down” funny. And sexy, and smart, and everything good.
    Love you girl xoxo

    Reply

  5. amy juicebox
    Jun 02, 2013 @ 23:47:46

    awesome post 🙂

    Reply

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