I’m sexy and I know it… well, sort of…

This post is inspired by Kevin Smith’s brave and beautiful blog entitled ‘I haven’t taken my shirt off since I was nine’

I’ve been where Kevin Smith has been, or should I say I am where he is… I know the embarrassment of being ‘fat’, being made fun of, being mocked, of the hateful and hurtful names… The fear of being naked in front of someone, wishing he would just turn out that damn light and close those damn curtains… the feeling of not being able to look at myself in the mirror without hating everything I see…

While I am losing weight, and doing really well, I am, for all intents and purposes, still fat, still perceived as fat, and the 42lbs I have lost in the past 14 months, some days, they just don’t matter, because, I am still fat… When I feel that way, I cry, I get angry, I want to eat myself into a coma… but I don’t… What I do do (teehee do do) is I put on a pair of pants from last year, stand in front of the mirror and watch them fall off of my body, schwoop… that’s the sound I make while I watch them fall off… Last year’s pants are too big, they aren’t who I am anymore…

In Kevin’s blog he mentions ‘chubby chasers’, they do exist… As a fat girl, one of my favourite lines was from a young man in Jamaica, who looked at me on the beach hiding underneath a tank top, next to my perfectly skinny friend in a bikini and said “Baby girl, bones are for dogs, meat is for men”… I loved this, I loved it so much I wanted to move to Jamaica, or the Dominican, where my body type is not only accepted, but revered and thought of as sexy! Me and my curves are what stirs a man down south (double entendre fully intended lol) … up here, in the ‘Great White North’ I am nothing more than an ugly fat girl…

Ugly fat girl, this is how I have thought of myself for my entire life… Until now, and it’s not simply because of the weight loss, I’d be lying if I said that wasn’t a big part of it… but it’s because, I made my mind up to see beauty… in everything, everywhere and everyone… I am trying to let go of the anger, and find beauty. And if this goal is even remotely attainable I must start with me. I must look at myself and see beauty… I must love my fat as a part of who I am, right now, and also love the pounds I am shedding, for they served their purpose and can now move on. 

So, today, after reading Kevin Smith’s post, I went to the mirror, stripped down to nothing but a smile and my nose ring and took a really good look at myself… Here’s what I found:

 

  1. I have really nice hair, it’s long, shiny and the red glows! I love my hair!
  2. Wow, I have gorgeous eyes! They are huge and brown and so expressive… My soul dwells in my eyes.
  3. My smile, it’s goofy, and cute! Above all, it’s genuine, and for the most part, constant
  4. My boobs, they’re real and they’re spectacular heehee, and I love them!
  5. My legs, well, I have always loved my legs, I have great legs, amazing legs, muscled, shapely, damned fine gams!
  6. My tattoos, I freaking LOVE my tattoos!
  7. Ahhh you noticed, I skipped over the whole mid-section of my body… well, standing there, in all my glory, looking at myself in the mirror, I did too. I had to force myself to look, to really look at the dreaded mid-section… what did I see? Well, yes, I saw the fat belly, but for the first time in potentially my entire life, I saw a waist line! I saw definition from my waist to my hips to my torso! WTH? When did that happen? I can’t sit here and tell you I saw beauty, because after 30 years of hating myself, I think it’s going to take a little while longer to love me and find the beauty… but at least this time I found something positive…
  8. One thing I discovered while standing there, tears flowing from my eyes down my naked body, I like who I am… I LIKE MY’SELF’!!!I am a kind person, I am fun to be around, I am empathetic and compassionate, I am crazy and wild, I am deep and spiritual, I am funny as hell, I am a good daughter, a good sister, a good auntie, a good friend and a great mom to Travis the Kitty… I repeat… I LIKE MY’SELF’… Wow, dudes, this is HUGE! I, Lalita Patel, like who I am! It’s been a long time since I was able to say that… but here I am fffffffffffffforty years old, and with all the certainty I can muster say I LIKE MY’SELF’…

 With this monumental realisation of liking me… I am going to continue on my life changing, body changing path, but with a different motivation, having my – body and my ‘self’- unite, become one, and love me for me, fat belly and all… and when I finally lose that fat belly, I’ll be grateful to it for understanding its role in the play of Lalita has come to an end.

So, my promise to my body and my’self’ is to stop acting as though I am destined to spend my life in last year’s pants…

Peace & Love

 

 

Princess Larissa, on her birthday…

Once upon a time the most beautiful princess was born to an equally as beautiful mother. This princess was very blessed to be loved beyond words by her mother and her grandmother. Her mother chose the most perfect name for this princess, she named her Larissa… The meaning, Cheerful and Lighthearted, no name could be more fitting as where ever this princess went, the people she met were happier, and better inside for having the chance to meet her.

As the years went on, Larissa grew into a stunning princess with the shiniest, silken hair; almond shaped eyes that sparkled with the light & mercy of God; and a smile so bright and welcoming and everlasting. But what was even more beautiful than her physical self, (and let me tell you, that’s no easy feat, Princess Larissa was ‘slammin’) was her inner beauty. Princess Larissa’s heart was filled with so much kindness, laughter, joy and love, that when people came into contact with her, even for a moment, she enriched their lives for the rest of their days.

Princess Larissa forever carries the memories of her mother and grandmother in her heart, she misses them both in every moment of her life. But she never lets one of those moments go by without thanking the Lord for blessing her with two such loving beings, for giving her the opportunity to recognise their beauty, feel their love, and love them right back. Her gratitude and compassion just reaffirms her timeless beauty.

Princess Larissa had two beautiful daughters, both of whom inherited her spirit, her heart and her beauty. These girls are already carrying on their mothers living legacy of kindness, generosity, cheerfulness and lightheartedness! They are her pride and joy, she is the embodiment of the perfect mother, and her love for them grows each and every day.  

I have been blessed with the honour and privilege of watching Princess Larissa grow and blossom into a fierce and powerful woman. And today, while the world wishes Princess Larissa a happy birthday, I silently thank God who, many years ago, brought me to this magical child and allowed me to witness her life. In my heart, she is my daughter and my little sister wrapped up in one beautiful package. I am proud and humbled of the person she has become. I am in awe of her capacity to love in the face of tragedy, of her SHEroic warrior spirit, and of her infinite inner and outer beauty.

Today, on this, the day of your birth, I wish for you eternal bliss, abundance in all you seek, wild and amazing adventures, laughter and joy in every moment, friends and family filling your heart with light and love.

Lastly, I thank you Princess, for allowing me to be a part of your life, for being ever so lucky to witness your beauty, for it changes me, every single day, it changes me and makes me a better person in this world. I love you, more than mere words could ever express.

Happy happy HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Travis and a Soldier (child) Named John…

When I moved to Panama I flew via Atlanta, which is one of the airports that the soldiers use to fly to Iraq. The fear and sadness in that airport were palpable, I, someone who always walks with her head up smiling at every person I pass by, kept my head down as I couldn’t deal with seeing those young boys dressed like grown men, leaving home to go fight a senseless war… fighting back tears, trying to live up to everything the uniform says they should be…. instead of going to college, or getting jobs, learning, growing, partying, getting laid and having fun…

While waiting the 5 hour layover Travis and I sat at a restaurant and they were so nice to us, they gave me a little cup of water and fresh tuna for her and let me keep her, in her travel bag, up on the table so she could always see me…

One soldier was sitting a few tables away from me kept looking at us and smiling, I think laughing too because I kept talking and singing to her and had a hand in the bag petting her to keep her calm. At one point he had so much sadness behind his smile I asked him if he wanted to come meet Travis… He jumped up and sat with us (now we all know Travis has her moments of hissing, screeching etc. but when she’s hopped up on valium, she’s quite docile lol) he put his hand in her bag and petted her, while I tried to explain why my female cat was named Travis… he had his hand in the bag the whole time, talking to her and telling me about his experiences. He was 18 years old, his name is John, his father and grandfather were both soldiers and it was just expected of him to become one too… He told me that he’d never spoken these words out loud to anyone, but he said “I am so scared, of course of being injured or dying, but actually of having to kill someone. All I want to do is play my guitar and sing” Tears flowed down his cheeks; he turned away from me and focused on Travis. She’s such an amazing being, she felt his pain, and pushed her own fears aside and began to purr. His face lit up and said “hey she’s purring!!!” His smile was of a child, delighted by the simplest things in life. I told him to feel honoured, as that rarely happens for anyone but me!!!

“If purring could be encapsulated, it’d be the most powerful anti-depressant on the pharmaceutical market.” ~ Alexis F. Hope

I decided to make him laugh and taught him the Travis the Kitty song and we sang it together to her laughing so hard.

He looked at his watch and said “I can’t believe how quickly the past 1.5 hours went, I have to run to my gate now!” He stuck his whole head in Travis’ bag and gave her a kiss, I stood up to shake his hand and he took it in both his hands and said “Thank you Lalita, this was the most relaxed I have felt in a long time, when I close my eyes at night I am going to sing the Travis the Kitty song till i fall asleep” With that he gave me the tightest, most genuine hug I have ever felt, and one I’ll never forget, he grabbed his duffle bag and ran to his plane.

“A loving cat can mend a wounded heart.” ~ Anonymous

I stood there watching him run, and realized only when the waitress put her arm around me that I was sobbing… She said to me, “Hon, you did a great thing there… from looking at you, I don’t know who got more out of it, him or you”

It wasn’t until hours later, while Travis and I were on the plane, did I realize we didn’t exchange numbers, or emails or even last names… I’ll never know what happened to John, I sometimes used to think he was home safe and sound and got himself a feisty little cat named Travis Jr. lol… but I do know he changed me forever, I don’t walk with my head down anymore, everyone I pass by gets a smile.

“Until one has loved an animal,  a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” ~ Anatole France

What if, for just one day, the entire world was kind?

What if, for just one day, the entire human race decided to not to gossip? How would this affect our world? Not one peep about ‘so and so in the copy room with so and so’, or ‘oh my God, did you see what so and so was wearing yesterday?’ no rumours, and even go as far as ignoring Hollywood gossip, leaving those celebs alone for 24 hours… no National Enquirer, no TMZ, no Perez, not even Entertainment Tonight! Don’t discuss the latest fashions, hook ups, divorces, deaths, suicides, pregnancies…

 “Entertainment news keeps you up to date

on the withering of your soul.”

Tom Papa

What would happen to society if we went ‘dark’ on gossip for one day, 24 wee little hours? What would happen to those we leave alone and for goodness sake… what on earth would we talk about?

To be completely honest, I don’t rightly know… I can tell you what I hope we would talk about…

I would hope we would talk about what is truly important, our lives, our brethren, what’s happening in this world and what can we do to make it better? Starvation, war, and atrocities against humanity… we are ALL responsible for the actions taken against the world and we have to be the voice to stop it.

But also, as above, what would happen to those we leave alone? Rumours and gossip are the oldest form of bullying, and while the old adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is thrown around so easily, words hurt… they make hearts bleed and leave scars so deep, so long lasting, and most times so invisible to others that we rarely see the damage until it’s too late.

Perhaps if we left Celebs alone, didn’t pick on them, didn’t worry about what the gossip mags and channels and websites say about them, simply focus on the art they produce, maybe, just maybe we’d still have the brilliant beings such as Whitney Houston, Amy Winehouse, Chris Farley, River Phoenix, Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, John Belusihi, Michael Jackson, … and the list goes on, and on, and on…

And what if we stopped bullying people in our own lives? What if we taught our children to stand up for those who need help, who aren’t able to speak up for themselves, taught them compassion, understanding, doing what’s right… what would happen then? Maybe these beautiful souls and countless others would still be with us…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38JuIicgmKM

I urge you to think before you speak and act and make the right choice…