Thoughts vs. Action…

In order to get my point across I felt the need to be as open as I can about the feelings I have surrounding a situation of the past… this is the only reason I am being as open as I am… I am not looking for pity, or sympathy, just that you understand me fully… Having said that, this is my story…

Today I was driving in my old hood, Don Mills and Steeles and I REALLY had to ahem… use the facilities so I drove into the Mall, Shops on Steeles, completed my business there and went to my car. As I was pulling out of my parking spot I saw my ex-boyfriend… the one who used to enjoy hitting me, burning me and emotionally terrorizing me… After I left him he would call me all the time, sit in his car outside my home and wait to follow me… he would show up at my work place… it took years before he would leave me alone…  

I haven’t seen him in quite a few years, the last time I ran into him at a variety store, the look in his eyes brought me back to that terrified little 24 year old girl, but that little girl was smarter… I went up to two BIG guys in the parking lot and told them the situation and one walked me to my car, waited till I locked the doors and pulled out… The other went up to my ex and stood in his face and every time the ex moved he would follow… Thank God for Giant, Gentle Angels… 

Anyway… back to my story… I was backing out of my spot and saw him walking up towards the mall and I panicked, simultaneously my heart stopped and almost beat itself out of my chest… My first thought, honestly was “If I hit him with my car and killed him I could finally find peace, a little bit of me is always looking over my shoulder and I wouldn’t have the fear of running into him ever again”.

My friends, in the moment, ever so briefly, this was a real and true possibility for me.

Then reality set in, and I realised that even though I have so much fear and a wee bit of residual anger towards him, I am not that person. He didn’t notice me, I wasn’t about to announce my presence to him, so I just let him pass, gave him the finger under the dash and drove away, shaking, crying, but kinda proud I didn’t kill him.

Then I started thinking about Thoughts vs. Actions… We all hear about the “power of positive thinking”, the Laws of Attraction” and so on. So does my having a thought like that affect my Karma? And believe me, that’s not the only dark thought I have ever had… I have them all the time… While I don’t act on them, they mull around my brain like a Japanese Fighting Fish swimming in circles in its tiny bowl, isolated, but if given company… WATCH OUT!

I tend to think I am a good person, I try to show compassion, be kind, and love in the face of hatred… I stress the ‘try’ as I am constantly f’ing it up… but I don’t stop trying.

The Zoroastrian religion, in which I was raised, has a simple, yet very difficult premise, “Good thoughts, Good words and Good deeds” The last two are soooooo much easier than the first… Why is this? And again I ask, do my negative, angry, dark thoughts affect my Karma???

 God I hope not, but just in case, I am going to keep on trucking in the pursuit of those elusive good thoughts….

 Wish me luck!

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2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Marlyn Chadderton
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 10:40:05

    I am so glad I went further and read your post. What a terrible fear and memory to have to face seeing this monster in our old neighbourhood where you should only have great memories. Because you are the wonderful, caring, civilized, rational person you are – of course you wouldn’t act on your wishes to irradicate this monster. That is why we all have a conscience that keeps us on the straight and narrow – but it is like having the release of a silent scream to think these things and of course not act on them. File it in the garbage bin and move on! Be happy, loving, all the good things that you are.

    Reply

  2. Shivani Patel
    Dec 16, 2011 @ 19:10:01

    .Non-violence, which is the quality of the heart, cannot come by an appeal to the brain.~ Mahatma Gandhi

    Action and reaction.
    Your mind reacted and wanted to take revenge but your heart would not act on it. The mind always wants to rule but it must be trained to be the humble servant of the heart. You have conquered the mind and have subdued it to be that humble servant.
    You can chain me, you can torture me, you can even destroy this body, but you will never imprison my mind.(heart) One of my favorites of Mahatma Gandhi.

    You have gone through so much in your life time and yet all you do is give love, you care for everyone and anyone, No one can make people smile like you can, Lalita to the rescue! Always! You are a hero, you are a lover, you are a warrior of peace, and you are a gentle loving soul. Don’t let anything – past, present or future change who you are. Just become more of who you are.

    Now if I, as your mother, had seen this creature, I would have gone up to him, punched him in the face and shown him that he was nothing but a coward to do what he did to a sweet little girl. And I do believe the Good Lord would have cheered me on.

    Get rid of this coward from your memory. press delete and with faith he shall be gone. he does not belong in a beautiful mind like your.

    Reply

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